~A Letter To My Best Friends~

I'm gonna miss those girls,

The two who know me best.

Finding such great friends,

I'm luckier than the rest.

It wasn't too long ago,

When we met back in snow.

Friendship came easy,

And we swore to never let it go.

Amy helped me from the start,

packing in bags of shoes,

while talking and laughing,

eating away those homesick blues.

Lauren kept me company,

On the other side of the room,

with all of her funny stories,

and the dreaded alarm clock of doom.

Year one went by fast,

The KK started year two.

Many challenges came into our lives,

But friendship and love we always knew.

Always there for each other,

Best friends through it all.

A simple shoulder to cry on,

No deed was ever too small.

Now our lives are moving on,

With future paths ahead.

So many things to come,

Though some things I dread.

I'm gonna miss those girls,

Though I know they'll always be there.

Not Distance nor time will change,

This special bond we share.

They changed my life,

Saving me in so many ways.

It will be impossible to forget,

The memories will never haze.

Amy and Lauren,

Words cannot begin to say,

How much you mean to me,

Each and every single day.

My best friends,

You will always be.

I love you both so much,

Love me!

~Nightmare of Reality~

I want it all to stop,

To wake up and it's just a dream.

I'm not ready to say goodbye,

It just doesn't feel real.

You've always been there waiting for me,

I figured that would never change.

But life caught up,

And I can't defy the truth.

Staying awake won't stop tomorrow,

And time has come to say goodbye.

You are with me always,

Deep within myheart.

I will carry you with me,

Making you proud all along the way.

You live in me.

In my stubborn will and crooked smile,

And we will see each other in a little while.

~My Grandpa~

My Grandpa is my hero,

But that you probably know.

A man so special to me,

It's been hard to let him go.

He cherished his family and friends.

His love and appreciation we always knew.

I loved to make him proud with my writing,

So I guess that's why I'm here today in front of you.

Our memories and good times,

Will forever live on.

It's been a hard week, and

I still can't believe he's gone.

So here is a little story.

About a man I love so much.

He's still with me everyday.

My heart will always feel his touch.

We were buddies from the start.

He could always make me smile.

Dragging me across the floor,

Me laughing all the while.

My giggles covered up the sizzling skin,

And afterwards he felt so bad.

But that carpet burn I wore with pride,

Cause I was having fun with my Granddad.

My first birthday I wouldn't leave his side.

He helped me rip apart my cake,

Encouraging the destruction and frosting bath,

Just to see how big a mess I could make.

He loved to hunt and bring home the big trophy.

I was so proud of his hard earned win.

So he would lift me up overtop his head,

And his deer and I were kissing.

His hunting and my little fingertips,

Grandpa and I were good at making a mess.

Both our names were mud,

Providing an even stronger bond I guess.

Talking with Grandpa in his dungeon,

Is where you could always find me.

No one was allowed in our special talks,

That was our quality time, you see.

The day he sat me down on the couch,

He got a taste of his own stubborn will,

When I held a year-long grudge,

With silent treatments and looks to kill.

My shopping habits I got from my crazy ladies,

As Grandpa always said,

But sometimes I snitched Grandmas purchases,

If she knew, I'd be dead.

Ash and I loved to tease him.

He provided us our first lesson in hair.

Making fun of his big baby belly,

But tickling his feet, we wouldn't dare.

He would stick out his teeth,

And we would run and hide.

Playing games and teasing Grandpa,

Laughing so hard we sometimes cried.

He tried to act so tough on the outside,

But his secret we all knew.

His heart was soft,

And his generosity was true.

Traveling across the Western States,

We went on so many trips.

Grandma and Grandpa made it exciting,

With arguing and finger flips.

Grandpa's driving and Grandma's passenger brake,

Our little giggles echoed in the back.

Grandpa would drive miles out of our way,

To find a KOA swimming pool by a railroad track.

Getting lost in Vegas,

Wasn't all that fun,

But he was convinced it was the right way,

Hours later, when we were finally done.

Grandma will tell you he was a bed hog,

But Nate, Ash and I will disagree.

Kicking Grandma out of bed,

He was joined by just us three.

He was definitely a tease,

But we were always out to repay.

Tying his shoes together,

Grandma helped me out one day.

She called him to come and help.

He got up and didn't get very far.

Falling flat on the floor,

With his shoes all ajar.

He was a fighter in so many ways,

But it's what we came to respect and love.

He was strong, and would never back down,

Even the cancer he fought with a shove.

Bowling, pool, cabinet building,

So many things I learned form him.

How not to drop the trailer on the truck.

A car, a horse, transportation on a whim.

He would do anything for us,

And that we always knew.

Making sure we had everything we needed,

Just to make it through.

Now we honor him today,

And it just doesn't seem real.

I know he is with us always,

But it doesn't ease the pain we feel.

Grandpa we are all a reflection of you.

You helped make us who we are today,

And it is in our heart is where you remain.

I guess I love you is all I have left to say,

And that I will miss you so much.

Promise to stay with us, help us get through.

We need you in our heart and memories,

And don't worry, love is forever, this is true.

~Surrendor~

One single kiss to say goodbye,

Desperate notion to let the pain die.

So long suffering in agony,

Wasted time, no one could see.

Walls surround me, swiftly closing in,

Bringing darkness where my mind has been.

The clock surrenders to the night,

White flag waving to end the fight.

The beauty is all fading away,

Though a part of me wishes to stay.

But a choice so well-planned and fought,

Going back now would fail the plot.

Sorry for the past, future and now,

Getting by, just couldn't figure how.

~The Quest~

The quest for perfection never ends well,

Self torturous nightmare of a living hell.

Question of who to please and how,

A lonesome and confusing road to vow.

At the end is it really me they see?

Or just another plain and ordinary she?

An idea they hold of the perfect stranger,

Demanding from me, only cryptic danger.

Facing an impossible battle to be won,

Beat down to the breaking point of done.

Expectations set miles beyond reach.

Sure failures in the lessons they teach.

Try is just a word without action or deed.

Believing something takes an actual need.

Sorry seems to slip with such ease,

Always scrambling on a journey to please.

Exhaustion conquers might round the final bend,

Tears flow a lonely and disheartening end.

~Race Against Time~

I'm supposed to write this for you,

But no ink leaves the pen.

It just doesn't seem real,

This situation we're in.

I had a notion of forever,

But forever doesn't seem to fit.

I find everyday a challenge,

Racing against time and death.

I fear losing,

You never knowing how I feel.

But I love you,

And that's for real.

I can't wrap my mind around it.

I'm just not ready for you to go.

You need to read the words,

They sit echoing in my head,

Lacking literal ability,

They remain captive.

I know they're trying to break free,

But maybe they hide in fear,

Denying the truth,

Truth that goodbye has come.

It's a race against time.

Please hold on,

You have to know.

I love you,

And that's for real.

~Replay, Rewind~

One final hug

Somewhere I think I knew

Door closes to goodbye

Just what was I to do

A fleeting moment

I just wanted to pause

Desperately holding on

As nearer the end draws

Replayed again and again

Would I change a word

Talk, cry, learn

Listen until all is heard

Your face, your voice

Memories fill my mind

Longing for the past

Can't we just rewind

Fear of pain

Avoiding an end

Did I do enough

Broken heart to mend

If you had a chance

To say it all

Would you take it

Or put up a wall

I had my chance

Hope it was enough

Begging you to stay

God this is rough

Always my hero

I wish you could stay

But the truth I know

I'll settle for today

~Masquerade~

How can you know me

When the girl in the mirror is a stranger

Ready for the masquerade

You see the fake

She lies

Hiding within her own imperfections

A con-artist at best

Just trying to get by

A smile and a laugh

Real tears come with the setting sun

Perfection is the aim

Longing to be okay

They believe it

Healing comes with time

But time is all but gone

Demons wait to be released

Outside skies are clear and sunny

Inside feels so cold and lonely

Convincingly played

The scheme has worked

Fool the world

Spare the grief

Hide from truth

Lose Her

~Final Thoughts~

I am choking on the smoke

Scrambling for a taste of oxygen

Flames flash terror in my eyes

Trying to see through the darkened wall

In wake of losing myself

I set the world ablaze

Hiding within the smoke

I wanted to push you away

But here I stand, scared and alone

Frantically trying to get to you

What I knew I needed all along

Self-destruction claims again

Trapped with no way out

The smoke draws the final breath of air

A final thought, a final try

Why didn't I let you in?

You were there all along

Fighting the rage, trying to get to me

Bigger flames couldn't keep you out

Battling the firewall with heart and love

Self-sacrificing to fight for me

Through my stubborn ways and will

Now it seems I've gone too far

It's not fair, I know

I'm sorry, I never wanted you to hurt

But selfishly I locked you out

I see it now through thickening debris

Cloudy air offers a settling glimpse

Such love is clear in your eyes

How could I be so blind?

A final thought, a final try

Why didn't I let you in?

~Change~

The same rushing water thunders through the trees

A brilliant orange fills the sky with the tiring sun

A scene so familiar, yet so much has changed

One year ago I sat with a paper and a pen

Writing words of emotions foreign and new

Proclaiming freedom so full of hope

But that was then and I have learned change

Feeling lost in a constantly spinning world

Drowning in an ever-rising ocean

Losing my way, I cannot breathe

How did one year get so far away?

I long for those feelings again

Reading with hope of restoration

But for now I am empty and alone

~Return~

A recurring dream seeping back into mind.

Echoes of what was and hopes of what will.

Somehow I thought you were gone.

A faded memory of heart's first wound,

But that is merely a wish.

Not faded, not gone, but buried.

Hiding away as oceans peel layers back.

Uncovering the depths of the soul.

Breathing air to a dying wish.

Small glimpse of light breaking through,

And I am back to the start.

This time with a broken heart.

~Overtake~

The poison conquers your brain.
We stand suffering silent pain.
A darkened lie so true.
All along somewhere we knew.
Behind the stone wall you hide.
Standing guard over ridiculous pride.
It's not you, we are aware.
Even so, It's just not fair.
Angry words meet angry tones,
Beating us down with heavy stones.
Hopeful we wait for an end.
Knowing all too well the beginning trend.
Pain and frustration breed heavy tears,
Weighing down in tired years.
Bad endings, good endings both in sight.
Your choice, is it worth the fight?

~Karen's Heart~

Your heart so big and full of love,
Has left us now for heaven above.
The stories and jokes we will miss,
But with happy thoughts we reminisce.
You left a legacy so proud and true.
What was right, you always knew.
Leading with love and caring with heart,
Your example got us off on the right start.
Always a happy face and a kind word,
And a vibrant laugh that will forever be heard.
The memories and good times will live on,
Even though it’s hard to admit that you’re gone.
It’s a comfort to know the angels directed your way,
And that we’ll be seeing you again someday.
Our hearts will always hold your memory tight,
And promise to help us here in this earthly fight.
I miss you, I love you, and thank you so much!
Your heart beats within the lives you touch.

I Didn't Know Him

I didn't know him that well,

But somehow I feel connected.

The words he wrote, the pain he felt,

Are familiar on my mind.

I didn't know him that well,

But thoughts of him still make me cry.

He seemed so normal, full of life.

An act, I can relate.

I didn't know him that well,

But he lives in me.

Our thoughts, fears and pains are as one.

We would understand each other, but he is gone.

I didn't know him that well,

But maybe I know more than I thought.

His words are my words.

We just wanted someone to care, someone to love.

I understand him so well.

His story is a tragic tale.

My story's content, so similar.

How will it end?

I fear the end.

I fear being like him.

I fear the pain.

I fear the hurt.

I fear the loneliness.

I fear being misunderstood.

I fear his words.

I fear my words.

I fear the end.

I fear being like him.

Two Worlds

Two worlds at war.

One is screaming, one is silent.

One is fighting, while the other is giving up.

One hates, one is losing faith.

One needs peace, the other just needs love.

Two worlds at war.

Both are searching.

Both are hurting.

Both are wanting.

Both feel trapped.

Two worlds at war.

Who will win the fight?

Along the Way

Somewhere along the way I let you in.

You explored parts of my soul like no one else.

I let you in and you stole my heart,

You took it and played with it like a child's toy.

Somewhere along the way you shattered my heart.

Here it lies in bits and pieces.

Still beating, but struggling to hang on.

The damage will forever show.

Somewhere along the way I decided I need you.

To you I gave my heart and soul.

I will never know why it wasn't enough,

But our memories I will cherish forever.

Somewhere along the way you decided to leave.

You left so suddenly, no warning, no goodbye.

Now I am left to mend my broken heart.

But...

Somewhere along the way I will be okay.

Somewhere along the way someone new will hold my heart.

Somewhere along the way love will come back to me.

Somewhere along the way I'll look back at you and smile.

Somewhere along the way I'll thank you.

And somewhere along the way I'll let you go.

Just not today.

You're Gone

Tonight you left me all alone.

I couldn't believe it, after all the feelings we've shown.

My heart just doesn't know what to say.

I'm not quite sure how to make it through the day.

My heart is all torn apart,

And desperately longing for a new start.

I don't understand how or why,

And all I can do now is breakdown and cry.

Forever, you hold a place in my heart.

A piece of my life, you will always play a part.

Thank you for bringing out my best.

It is clear that I loved you says the pain in my chest.

The Beginning

I tried it just once.

I didn't know my pain was this much.

I know that it was dumb,

But I wanted to feel better.

I don't know why I did it.

I just thought it would help.

To see my pores open up,

as the pain pours out.

Never did I want it to go this far.

What is wrong with me?

I wish someone was here to help.

I am so alone in the world.

Forever, I will bear these scars.

So deep inside, yet so shallow out.

Never again will I give in to pain.

I am strong and will overcome.

Giving Up

Somedays I feel like giving up,

My pain is an overflowing cup.

I've had enough,

I can't be tough.

Life is hard,

I was dealt a bad card.

It's just not fair

all this pain I bear.

Why me?

I can't see.

I tried,

I cried,

I bailed,

and I failed.

I'm done,

So you've won.

There's nothing more,

Of that I'm sure.

Wishing

There are so many things I want you to know,

But I'm way too scared to let my feelings show.

Feelings for you will forever be in my heart,

It's just something that I've felt from the start.

Sometimes I wish that you would love me too.

We could have a love so pure and so true.

But then I think of how much I could lose,

And a life without you is a road I fail to choose.

Though it kills me to see you with her,

Our friendship is more important, that I'm sure.

I know that soon we will go our separate ways,

And I will forever be missing those days.

Days when I could see your smiling face.

Days when I was up for the chase.

I feel that together we have come so far,

And every night I wish on the same old star,

That one day you will find that special someone.

The one who will make your whole world come undone.

It's the way you make me feel every night,

Nights when I wish with all my heart and might.

Hope

This one is for a struggling soul,

Whose life is in turmoil and out of control.

Your pain has built up to an unbearable height. 

This battle has claimed your spirit and might.

Your journey in life keeps throwing you curves.

You feel the inner turmoil as your body swerves.

Times are so hard, tears you may shed,

Longing for a place to rest your weary head.

You look at the world with tired eyes,

and plead for someone, anyone, to hear your cries.

6 billion people out there but nobody knows,

Your suffering inside because no pain shows.

Against yourself, you rage a war,

searching for the comfort of something more.

You are all alone, reinforcements you cannot call.

You are ready to give up and take the fall.

There is no other option, no sense of hope.

There is no way out, no way to cope.

You don't understand why this is you,

And sometimes you just wish that somebody knew.

Why does life have to be so hard?

Why did it deal you such a terrible card?

The answers to these we may never know,

But I'm begging you to let your feelings show.

If someone can help, please don't wait.

Don't stop to think, don't hesitate.

Someone is there for you always, I know.

I've been there myself, alone you cannot go.

There is always somebody, a willing friend.

So reach for their hand, they'll be with you until the end.

Go out and accomplish your dreams,

Though at times it may be impossible it seems.

There are so many things you still need to do.

The hope is alive, and found in you.

Unrequited Love

Hiding deep within the heart,

So many things we don't understand.

Two certain lives cannot be apart,

Without pain, longing for the touch of a hand.

How I wish to be that one,

The one that makes you complete.

Just your smile makes me come undone,

but in each attempt to speak, words take fleet.

I love you and I need you,

In so many ways, you complete me.

How can there be a one-sided love so true?

Love so unfair, only I can see.

Why

I feel alone.

All I need was someone or something,

Nothing came, no one was there.

It was just me, scared and alone.

I feel hurt.

You should have known, you should have cared,

All I ever believed in has failed me.

The pain of past and present crushes my hurting heart.

I feel lost.

The world is cold and dark,

How do I go home, when I don't know what home is?

The search seems hopeless, the way is dark, and I am lost.

I feel scared.

Lost, hurt, and alone, it's just me and the pain,

I've been trained to be tough on the outside.

I break down harder on the inside, and I am scared.

All I have left are the why's.

Why did you leave me all alone?

Why do I have to hurt so much?

Why did you let me lose my way?

Why can't you bring me home?

Why can't you send someone to save me?

Why doesn't anybody realize my pain?

Why don't people care?

Why do I have to feel the pain alone?

All I wanted, All I needed was someone to save me.

But no one came,

WHY?

The Demon's Power

In between the night and the morn,

The darkness overwhelmed me.

The demon came back with its evil terror,

Power so strong, I had to give in.

I tried to fight, but I am just one,

I tried to run, but there was nowhere to go.

I had to give in, it was the only way,

The demon would not leave until the blood was shed.

I did the deed, and it was done,

The demon was gone, and I was at peace.

The power of the darkness vanished,

But I was still alone, alone with the pain.