Silence is what I seek, 

But my mind refuses to back down.

So many thoughts; 

worries and fears of now look to

THE FUTURE...

Where freedom lies.

For now, I cannot escape my world,

A prisoner of my own misfortune.

Locked in a place I don't belong,

Where diversity is the enemy,

And acceptance requires submission.

Born into my own hostile hell,

Where seeds are crushed as they bloom.

The questions I have of my world and my God,

Silenced by the overwhelming mob. 

Protesting to join the conformity, 

Finding no worth in the individual one.

You see it's a single goal, a simple mission.

Laid out long ago, no other paths to choose.

To lose your way is not an option.

Wanderers are lost and alone, left behind and forgotten;

Condemned by their very own trustees.

So authenticity or mediocrity? 

A simple choice yet not so simple.

My nagging fears discourage my escape,

But my heart is determined to be free.

To every great discovery, much sacrifice is suffered.

The cost of freedom, obviously not free.

The question now, is it worth the risk?

I cannot see the future, but I know the past.

I am more than this, and willing to fight.

Mediocrity, well that's just not me.

I will not live a lie hiding behind a mask.

I refuse to cage my adventurous soul;

It hungers knowledge and thirsts for existence,

A feast fit for the King who has lived,

And living is what I aim to do!

"I'm tired," she said,

As her head fell to the cold tile.

Once strong and brave,

She had fought so long.

This is not life.

Will they miss me?

A strange fear,

For a dwindling soul.

But still a nagging thought,

For the lonely mind.

And now...

Well this road is new,

Some have maps,

But others just hope for more.

Anything better than this.

~Lost in My Mind~

It's a lonely world,
With wandering souls.
Probing the dark,
Searching for hope.
Desperate for more,
Than the quiet night.

Envious of faith,
Longing to believe.
Jealous of Love,
Never knowing its joy.
My own mind,
The only company.
All I know,
Perhaps it's enough.

~Goodbyes and Unhappy Endings~

Feelings for you were forgotten,

Pushed back into the depths of my soul.

But tonight it all came undone,

When the end of us became real.

I tried to hide the fact that I still cared,

Desperate to convince even myself.

Visions of those memories shared,

Blinded by words of goodbye.

Left standing here all alone again,

I took for granted our rocky past.

A relationship full of heartache and sin;

Not every story has a happy ending.

~Fate~

I guess some would say I'm lucky,

But I don't give credit to luck.

I'm a girl who trusts in fate.

Maybe that's naive,

Blinded by faith in the unknown;

My own faith that is,

But it is not one you would understand.

My religion is my own.

I don't have time for hate,

And judgement is absurd.

I live for today,

And dream of tomorrow.

Worry is tiresome energy wasted,

Carrying fear that will bury the soul.

The past has created me,

And I regret not one thing.

The people I have met along the way,

They have changed me.

The heartache,

Has taught me love,

And the loss,

Has taught me to appreciate.

Every moment,

Every single second in my life,

It all matters.

I don't pretend to know,

Where it all goes from here,

But I do know that I am here now;

Right where I am supposed to be,

And maybe that is enough.

~Oblivion~

What is reality anyway?

Simple, I fear not.

Is it life or love?

Pain or promise...

God?

As sure as the blood flowing through my veins,

I fear I do not know.

Confused by my world,

But lost in my mind.

Questions plead for hope.

Have you heard of Heaven and Hell?

Or is it oblivion that harbors the end?

Where peace is final,

And legacy determined.

Is it cynical to question,

Failing to surrender to a world,

Where society sucks out your soul?

I remember being beaten down,

With recurring vicious strikes.

I cried for you all night.

You never came.

Were you ever there?

How can you be so great,

Yet love so few?

Is it wrong to question all I know?

Abandoned once again,

I am left waiting for oblivion.

Hoping for more,

Unknown until final worlds collide.

But what is reality anyway?

~Greif~

6 Months:

A few months have now gone,

And I still hide from truth.

We talked of you a great deal today,

But it was all in wrong tense.

My brain struggles to comprehend,

A battle of reality and hope.

Sometimes I swear I see you there,

But my brain is an evil prankster.

Everyday I pray for it to be real,

But as days set, hope fades too.

Lost where dreams meet reality,

And my heart aches for you.

Year 1:

I went to see you today,

But I didn't know what to say.

So much has happened,

And many things have changed;

Things you really should know,

But I couldn't tell you there.

Part of me was dying to believe,

Those things you already knew.

Even still I long for the comfort,

Comfort I can't seem to find.

~Battle of a War~

Tonight is a battle,

Fighting memories of you.

Feeling so alone,

Remembering times old and new.

Life is a war,

And casualties we shall face.

But it's only some nights,

I'm haunted by your face.

Yesterday was fine,

and tomorrow will be too.

But that doesn't stop tonight's heartache,

Broken from you.

~New Life~

A final breath greets a new.

One celebrates, the other is blue.

For one the ending marks the other's beginning.

The future holds passion and winning.

The start of a quest to fulfill,

With determination, it's a sure deal.

So much ahead, the end is unknown.

Necessity for the true life to be shown.

The moment is a road of glory.

Make it beautiful, make it your story.

Don't live in the darkness and shadows of fear.

You never know if the end is near.

Life is now, now is time.

In the end, a life well wasted is a crime.

~Thing One and Thing Two~

A hero without a sidekick,

Is no hero at all.

One is weak,

But two won't fall.

One needs two,

Simply just to care.

When the world is crashing down,

Ones heart should not be bare.

For two is better than one,

Is what they always say.

But one finding two,

Doesn't just happen everyday.

The heartbreak of one,

Is necessary for two,

To find the bond,

That is honestly true.

~One Word on Life~

A notion,

A comfort to ease the mind. A

Thought,

Something that should never change. Maybe a

Lie

To conceal the pain that's real.

Truth,

Well it's not so pleasant.

Fairy tales

Are stories for the dreamers with

Hope,

Existing simply to keep us moving, but

Reality

It sings a different song. With

Fear

That chains us down, making us

Lost,

Because things aren't always as they seem.

Confusion,

Just how did we get here?

Betrayal,

Constantly hurt by the ones we

Trust;

A lie in itself, a falsity of hope creating

Pain.

And we all hold it, carrying the

Burdens

From the pressures and heartaches of life.

Secrets

Of our pain, our lives, our hopes, and our dreams,

Stolen

By the torturous hell of an everyday world. Left

Alone,

Found dying at the mercy of something new.

Seeking

Something to hope for, something to live for. Seeking

Approval.

Doing all we can, simply to gain

Acceptance.

Changing ourselves to become anything we feel

Worthy

Of achieving life's most sought out possession. All we want is

Love,

And finding love is one of the most trying adventures that we will ever

Know.

~Crash~

At the close of the day,

I thought I had you.

Yet dawn whispers a new song,

Singing sorrowed goodbyes.

Trust I never believed,

It's ugly lies you exposed.

All those doors you pried open,

Angrily slam back into place.

My heart is alone,

And my head is lost.

All that once was fixed,

Now shattered into a million bits.

Nothing left in this empty soul.

What I thought and what was true,

Massively collide head on.

Only damaged wreckage left.

A totaled heart just trying to breath.

~A Letter To My Best Friends~

I'm gonna miss those girls,

The two who know me best.

Finding such great friends,

I'm luckier than the rest.

It wasn't too long ago,

When we met back in snow.

Friendship came easy,

And we swore to never let it go.

Amy helped me from the start,

packing in bags of shoes,

while talking and laughing,

eating away those homesick blues.

Lauren kept me company,

On the other side of the room,

with all of her funny stories,

and the dreaded alarm clock of doom.

Year one went by fast,

The KK started year two.

Many challenges came into our lives,

But friendship and love we always knew.

Always there for each other,

Best friends through it all.

A simple shoulder to cry on,

No deed was ever too small.

Now our lives are moving on,

With future paths ahead.

So many things to come,

Though some things I dread.

I'm gonna miss those girls,

Though I know they'll always be there.

Not Distance nor time will change,

This special bond we share.

They changed my life,

Saving me in so many ways.

It will be impossible to forget,

The memories will never haze.

Amy and Lauren,

Words cannot begin to say,

How much you mean to me,

Each and every single day.

My best friends,

You will always be.

I love you both so much,

Love me!

~Nightmare of Reality~

I want it all to stop,

To wake up and it's just a dream.

I'm not ready to say goodbye,

It just doesn't feel real.

You've always been there waiting for me,

I figured that would never change.

But life caught up,

And I can't defy the truth.

Staying awake won't stop tomorrow,

And time has come to say goodbye.

You are with me always,

Deep within myheart.

I will carry you with me,

Making you proud all along the way.

You live in me.

In my stubborn will and crooked smile,

And we will see each other in a little while.

~My Grandpa~

My Grandpa is my hero,

But that you probably know.

A man so special to me,

It's been hard to let him go.

He cherished his family and friends.

His love and appreciation we always knew.

I loved to make him proud with my writing,

So I guess that's why I'm here today in front of you.

Our memories and good times,

Will forever live on.

It's been a hard week, and

I still can't believe he's gone.

So here is a little story.

About a man I love so much.

He's still with me everyday.

My heart will always feel his touch.

We were buddies from the start.

He could always make me smile.

Dragging me across the floor,

Me laughing all the while.

My giggles covered up the sizzling skin,

And afterwards he felt so bad.

But that carpet burn I wore with pride,

Cause I was having fun with my Granddad.

My first birthday I wouldn't leave his side.

He helped me rip apart my cake,

Encouraging the destruction and frosting bath,

Just to see how big a mess I could make.

He loved to hunt and bring home the big trophy.

I was so proud of his hard earned win.

So he would lift me up overtop his head,

And his deer and I were kissing.

His hunting and my little fingertips,

Grandpa and I were good at making a mess.

Both our names were mud,

Providing an even stronger bond I guess.

Talking with Grandpa in his dungeon,

Is where you could always find me.

No one was allowed in our special talks,

That was our quality time, you see.

The day he sat me down on the couch,

He got a taste of his own stubborn will,

When I held a year-long grudge,

With silent treatments and looks to kill.

My shopping habits I got from my crazy ladies,

As Grandpa always said,

But sometimes I snitched Grandmas purchases,

If she knew, I'd be dead.

Ash and I loved to tease him.

He provided us our first lesson in hair.

Making fun of his big baby belly,

But tickling his feet, we wouldn't dare.

He would stick out his teeth,

And we would run and hide.

Playing games and teasing Grandpa,

Laughing so hard we sometimes cried.

He tried to act so tough on the outside,

But his secret we all knew.

His heart was soft,

And his generosity was true.

Traveling across the Western States,

We went on so many trips.

Grandma and Grandpa made it exciting,

With arguing and finger flips.

Grandpa's driving and Grandma's passenger brake,

Our little giggles echoed in the back.

Grandpa would drive miles out of our way,

To find a KOA swimming pool by a railroad track.

Getting lost in Vegas,

Wasn't all that fun,

But he was convinced it was the right way,

Hours later, when we were finally done.

Grandma will tell you he was a bed hog,

But Nate, Ash and I will disagree.

Kicking Grandma out of bed,

He was joined by just us three.

He was definitely a tease,

But we were always out to repay.

Tying his shoes together,

Grandma helped me out one day.

She called him to come and help.

He got up and didn't get very far.

Falling flat on the floor,

With his shoes all ajar.

He was a fighter in so many ways,

But it's what we came to respect and love.

He was strong, and would never back down,

Even the cancer he fought with a shove.

Bowling, pool, cabinet building,

So many things I learned form him.

How not to drop the trailer on the truck.

A car, a horse, transportation on a whim.

He would do anything for us,

And that we always knew.

Making sure we had everything we needed,

Just to make it through.

Now we honor him today,

And it just doesn't seem real.

I know he is with us always,

But it doesn't ease the pain we feel.

Grandpa we are all a reflection of you.

You helped make us who we are today,

And it is in our heart is where you remain.

I guess I love you is all I have left to say,

And that I will miss you so much.

Promise to stay with us, help us get through.

We need you in our heart and memories,

And don't worry, love is forever, this is true.

~Surrendor~

One single kiss to say goodbye,

Desperate notion to let the pain die.

So long suffering in agony,

Wasted time, no one could see.

Walls surround me, swiftly closing in,

Bringing darkness where my mind has been.

The clock surrenders to the night,

White flag waving to end the fight.

The beauty is all fading away,

Though a part of me wishes to stay.

But a choice so well-planned and fought,

Going back now would fail the plot.

Sorry for the past, future and now,

Getting by, just couldn't figure how.

~The Quest~

The quest for perfection never ends well,

Self torturous nightmare of a living hell.

Question of who to please and how,

A lonesome and confusing road to vow.

At the end is it really me they see?

Or just another plain and ordinary she?

An idea they hold of the perfect stranger,

Demanding from me, only cryptic danger.

Facing an impossible battle to be won,

Beat down to the breaking point of done.

Expectations set miles beyond reach.

Sure failures in the lessons they teach.

Try is just a word without action or deed.

Believing something takes an actual need.

Sorry seems to slip with such ease,

Always scrambling on a journey to please.

Exhaustion conquers might round the final bend,

Tears flow a lonely and disheartening end.

~Race Against Time~

I'm supposed to write this for you,

But no ink leaves the pen.

It just doesn't seem real,

This situation we're in.

I had a notion of forever,

But forever doesn't seem to fit.

I find everyday a challenge,

Racing against time and death.

I fear losing,

You never knowing how I feel.

But I love you,

And that's for real.

I can't wrap my mind around it.

I'm just not ready for you to go.

You need to read the words,

They sit echoing in my head,

Lacking literal ability,

They remain captive.

I know they're trying to break free,

But maybe they hide in fear,

Denying the truth,

Truth that goodbye has come.

It's a race against time.

Please hold on,

You have to know.

I love you,

And that's for real.

~Replay, Rewind~

One final hug

Somewhere I think I knew

Door closes to goodbye

Just what was I to do

A fleeting moment

I just wanted to pause

Desperately holding on

As nearer the end draws

Replayed again and again

Would I change a word

Talk, cry, learn

Listen until all is heard

Your face, your voice

Memories fill my mind

Longing for the past

Can't we just rewind

Fear of pain

Avoiding an end

Did I do enough

Broken heart to mend

If you had a chance

To say it all

Would you take it

Or put up a wall

I had my chance

Hope it was enough

Begging you to stay

God this is rough

Always my hero

I wish you could stay

But the truth I know

I'll settle for today

~Masquerade~

How can you know me

When the girl in the mirror is a stranger

Ready for the masquerade

You see the fake

She lies

Hiding within her own imperfections

A con-artist at best

Just trying to get by

A smile and a laugh

Real tears come with the setting sun

Perfection is the aim

Longing to be okay

They believe it

Healing comes with time

But time is all but gone

Demons wait to be released

Outside skies are clear and sunny

Inside feels so cold and lonely

Convincingly played

The scheme has worked

Fool the world

Spare the grief

Hide from truth

Lose Her